TW walks into a bar and orders a whisky. The barman gives him the whisky and TW downs it straight away and wipes his mouth. He asks straight away for another which the barman gives him, he then downs it again straight away and wipes he mouth.

He signals the barman for another so this time the barman asks him why he is drinking so fast.

"just had my first blowjob," says TW

"Oh, great, well done. Have this one on me," says the barman.

TW downs this one too and wipes his mouth.

"So how was it?" asks the barman.

"Not bad but you'd think three whiskies would take the damn taste away"

Rich

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAH HAH HAH!

HAH!

What's funny is that you bastards are just taking all the gay jokes from the joke thread (remember that from a couple months back?) and substituting my name in. You guys are bastards, I'd just like ya'll to know that.

-TW

Man! I tell you all, im a classy guy over here, alright? And it has been for that reason and that reason alone that I have not yet deigned to post in a thread that is so obvioulsy the ill conceived product of a dangerous, homicidally homosexual mind. NOw as most of you know, i alsmost INVARIABLY take the 'high road' rather than grub ignominiously around in the intellectual dirt with the likes of those that may find themselves posting in something as crass and downright uncouth as the 'gay amnesty' thread. But as it were, I just hate to see BTP's golden boy, (He's not usually that color, but hey, times are hard and watersports are in, so pretty much anyone in a tight spot would do well to moonlight as a human urinal-cake), though thoroughly reprehensible on just about every level imaginable, get flamed by....THE ENGLISH!

So, i figured id change it up with an english joke.

So theres three guys walking along the beach. One is a Necrophiliac from Bavaria who has a strong preference for skinny black guys, One is a beastophile is a strong preference for extremely furry animals and prefers having sexual relations at extremely high altitudes, and the other one is your average, garden variety tea sipping sod of an englishman.

So they, as you might imagine, come upon a bottle. And since they pretty much realize there MUST be a genie in it given the fact that they are three random guys with nothing in common that dont even know each other, who just happen to be walking along the beach, so they dont even bother to rub the damn thing. The genie also realizes the folly of the institution of rubbing the bottle, so he comes out without any further bullshit and is like 'okay what the fuck do you all want, you get ONE wish, and it can be Anything, yatta yatta yatta. Now hurry your asses up so we can all just get this stupid joke over with, okay?'

So the necro is first and he's like okay. I just want to have a job as the head emblamer in a somalian mortuary, and maybe as an extra added bonus, maybe just kill my sense of smell a little bit? The genie thinks, and says alright asshole, thats technically two wishes, but ill grant it just so you get the fuck outta my face. So he snaps his fingers, and POOF, the guy disappears, to live the rest of his life as an olfactorily deficient embalmer in a somalian funeral home.

So the besteophile is next and he's like WOW! Thats amazing. Okay so i want to be a vet-tech in a veterenary clinic in Tibet, where people take thier yaks for veterinary care. And also, maybe it'd be convenient if i could speak the language too, right? So the genie, disgusted, is like alright fine. Again thats two wishes, but just lookin at you makes me sick so POOF! The guy is gone, to live the rest of his life as a yak fucking vet tech who speaks fluent tibetian.

So the enslighman, seeing all this, is totally dumbfounded, cannot even string a coherent sentence together, and his speech amounts to little more than a frenzied mishmash of 'I says', 'Old chaps', 'bloody hells', and 'Tally Hos'.

So the genie slaps him across the face a few times and is like alright you limey prick! Time for your wish, whats it gonna be?

So, the englishman finally gets it together, and says:

"I'll just have a some tea and a scone please...and if i could get a straw with that, i say, that'd be just grand old top!'

And the genie is like "'WHAT? MAN you english are a bunch of ****-ing pussies! But hell, i guess your better than those other two sick degenerates, so heres your lame ass tea and scone. But grow a ****-ing pair fer christs sake!! Scone and tea!!' the genie reiterated with the utmost contempt.

But in spite of his contempt, POOF came the scone, a teacup, and a piping hot kettle of tear on a silver platter, with straw, just as requested.

As the genie was preparing to go wherever genies go after jokes like this one, totally without warning the englighman pulls his pants down, lies on his stomach, graps the tea kettle, spreads his buttcheeks, and proceeds to give himself a tea-enema. He then takes the straw, sucks the whole mess out of his own anus, and spits most of it into the teacup. In short order, he has violent sexual relations with the scone, (yelling 'whose your mum?!?! the whole time) and after that, takes the scone, dips it into the 'mixture' in the tea cup, and wolfs it down and when the scone is done he gulps down the rest of the ill begotten aftermath of his tea enema... ALl this in under a minute. The genie is now staring transfixed, totally awestruck. The englishman then, after taking a piss on his own foot while singing 'God save the queen' at the top of his lungs, as per long standing english tradition, says to the genie:

'Never call an englishman a pussy''

HA HA HA HA!

So, tightwad's in a bar, and a man walks in with a crocdile on a lead.

"Gosh darn it" say the customers in unison, who are largely composed of English army officers from the 1930s. Anyway, once the "hubbub" subsides, the man walks up to a bar and sidles up to tightwad.

"Right, watch what I can do with my pet here", he says. He taps the crocodile on the head, and it opens its mouth. The stunned publicans watch as he whips out his nob and starts jerking off into the crocodiles mouth. "OK, he says, now I'm gonna show you that my pet is so well trained he won't bite my cock off even if I cum in his mouth and smack him on the head". So, the inevitable occurs, and, at the point of climax, the guy grabs a glass off the bar and blasts it over the crocodile's head; amazingly, it doesn't even flinch. So, the guy puts his member away and the croc shuts its mouth.

"Wow," says tightwad, "That's a pretty good party trick".

"You think so?" says the guy, "You can try it yourself if you like?

"Ermm," says our hero, "I'm not sure, it looks dangerous..."

"Nah...." says the guy, "So, you gonna give it a try?"

"Well..... OK then, on one condition"

"Yeah?"

"You don't smack me over the head quite so hard with the beer glass".

HA HA HA HA

Monk
xxxxx

PS I liked your joke Mecos but the ending was a bit weak. The punchline shouldve been something like the English guy asking for some form of stereotypically unpleasant English food and the genie saying "man, you are DISGUSTING". Nice try though, dawg.

Tightwad, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you...I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and Tightwad was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" Tightwad said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

Rich

omg, this is priceless... again you have made me laugh so hard that i've cried. in the past week you have doubled the number of times this has happened to me MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!

You, sir, are a wonderfully twisted fnck.

Thank you for sharing it!

i might have to frame this.

Alright Tighty. I think i sucessfully diffused this thread, so I dont have to get any more of those over emotional, no-one-loves-me PMs anymore. That'll cost you the $50 i owe you on FT.

Nihan!