For those of you that don't really have time to read the full version of Cardplayer, I'm gonna do you a favor and provide an abridged version!

Article #1 : Poker is still booming!
Author: Some random member of the Shulman family

Hey, did you know that poker is really popular these days!!? I mean, wow! Really f'ing popular! In fact, I'd even go so far to say that it's more popular than it was last time I told you how popular it was, which was my article in our last issue entitled "Wow, poker sure is booming!" Stay tuned for my insightful article in our next issue, which will be entitled, "Jesus Christ, poker is REALLY FUCK-ING BOOMING!"

Article #2 : Why I lost yet another tournament
Author: Phil Hellmuth

Once again, I got all my chips in as a "moral favorite," and yet managed to lose since the rest of the 682-player field was conspiring against me. What is a "moral favorite", you ask? Well, that means that even though I was a 4:1 dog preflop when the money went it, I should've been a 285:3 favorite based on the cards I was supposed to have. In short, my opponent made an awful call and got lucky that I happened to actually be holding 42o, as opposed to AA which any half-decent opponent would've read me as having.

Article #3: Poker games that aren't poker, part LXXVIII
Author: Mark Weisensomethingorother

Many poker-neophytes are often wrongly lead to believe that horseshoes is a "poker game." However, despite the superficial similarities, it is not, in fact, poker. The primary difference is that horse-shoes involves throwing large, metal horse-shoe-shaped objects at a metal pole in the ground.

Another "faux-poker" game - if I may be so bold as to use the term "faux" - is the pole-vault. In the next issue, I'll explain the subtle differences between these wonderful passtimes.

Article #4: Actual poker content
Author: Barry Tannenbaum

We regret to inform you that Barry has been released from the cardplayer staff due to the obscene amount of poker-related information in his articles.

* * *

There may or may not be some articles I've omitted, but those were the high points.

-TW

Article #10 : What I had for lunch today
Author : Thomas "Thunder" Keller

Hello, loyal cardplayer listeners! I've recieved many E-mails from you, my loyal fans, questioning what the hell I did to deserve a weekly column in this wonderful cardplayer magazine! I feel that it is only right for me to respond to these queries.

I began my lunch today with a 20-pound turkey, which was stuffed with a large ham, and then smothered in about three quarts of pure lard. I then washed it down with a nice tall glass of grease, and had sixteen chocolate-covered hard-boiled eggs for dessert.

Article #11 : Why tournament buy-ins should be increased a whole bunch
Author : Daniel Negreanu

The other night, while being viciously sodomized by Travis (my personal assistant), it occured to me that I really can't be expected to play A-game, full-contact poker at any tournament where the top prize is less than, oh, $20 million. Tournament buy-ins should be at least $873,000 so that the top players (i.e. me) can at least have some motivation to play good poker!

In addition, I should note that anyone who plays pre-flop poker deserves to be shot, gutted, circumcized, run through with a claymore, and viciously sodomized by Travis, my personal assistant.

Article #12 : I'm a dork and nobody takes me seriously
Author : Lee Jones

"I am the eggman...they are the eggman..."

I find that beginning and ending every article I write with a quote is a swell idea, mostly because I was never ever able to right at anything above a 5rd grade reading level!!!

I wrote a book once called Winning Low-Limit Hold 'em, and I have a lot of friends on RGP who hate my guts and are eagerly waiting for the day that I die a sad, lonely death.

Did ya ever notice that AA is a good hand?

KJ is a pretty good hand too, but I like AA better!!!!!

"I am the walrus. Koo-koo-kachu!"

-TW

That's some funny shit guys. I nearly spit out a mouthful of good bourbon I laughed so hard.

You guys are REALLY funny....Glad I wasnt "sippin" while reading....F'n hilarious....

Titey and monkman--

I gotta agree with bobby- thats some of the funniest crap i have ever read. And i dont even read cardplayer mag., because, well- lets face it, i steer about a hundred miles clear of things that might ACTUALLY improve my game, and instead opt for things that only SEEM to, like, for example, this bottle of tanqueray over here. But, im glad to know im not missin out on much-- I played withThunder Keller at the commerce, and yeah, he could definitely be in a runoff with Michael Moore in the 'biggest fattest turd in the world' contest, and hell, maybe even win it.

Anyways keep up the good work guys- losing my sweet ass isnt so bad if i can at least have something to laugh at, right?

So funny... Right on the money.

That was very funny all the way around - I was however continuously nervous that someone would burn Rolf in effigy... glad to see he wasn't ... I like his stuff.

TUP

TUPsta,

I really couldn't bring myself to do a Rolf parody, because he's one of the three authors that I actually look forward to reading. The other two are Barry T and Roy Cooke.

In addition, I actually found myself feeling bad about the second batch of "articles", as they were a bit more below the belt than the high-class, cerebral humor that I've generally become known for...

...

That was the punchline, in case you missed it.

-TW

LOL flopmyflush---I was playin some pretty good lo ball before most of the posters here were alive, and I still cant stand reading Wiesenberg...and Shapiro??? PLEASEEEEE....

(Rolf is one smart boy)....His attitude reminds me of some TUP guy.....

TUP,

I'd half a mind to say something about the fact that Rolf ALWAYS mentions how tight and good he is in his articles, but on the other hand, his content is consistently up there as being pretty much the best writer in that magazine. Except, of course, Jan Fisher. Every month I look forward to hearing how she lost a hand to a famous player in some event she's been paid to plug. Priceless....

I didn't mind weisenburgs draw and lo-ball articles much either. Negreanu's articles used to be pretty decent too, and I don't mind the guy too much.

Monk
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