Keep reading if you enjoy horror stories.

$545 NL tourney at the Bike, 178 players. Last week I busted on hand #4, so by hand #5 here I was already celebrating.

First table is just chock full o' retards, not much happens for me but I stay alive and relatively healthy. I get moved and announce to the table that I don't expect to stay long. Thankfully I get AKs on my first hand and double through someone's KQ. People tend to think you're a loose idiot when you make proclamations like that upon sitting down.

The next 5 hours or so can be summed up thusly- I get cards and win, I don't get cards and play them well, basically it's mistake-free poker and I'm building a good stack. It's one of those tourneys where you just know you're final tabling it. Then we hit a roadblock. It pays 18 (and will likely pay 19) and we get stuck on 21 players left for about an hour- I've never seen anything like it. At our table, every short stack has doubled up at least once. I've been the benefactor a couple of times. A few hands that kind of tell you how my double-the-average stack started to vanish on the bubble:

Raise in the CO with J8o to steal. This is the one and only mistake I made and it's barely a mistake. The BB pushed, and the mistake is that he had a stack size that I couldn't fold to, but it would still sting. I started this hand with 28k (double the average), and gave him about 9k. Ouch. I had all the odds in the world once the cards were up (he had ATo and I was getting 2.5x1 to make the call), but I try very hard to avoid situations like this.

Shorty goes all in, I call with 66, shorty next to me pushes, so it's 3-ways to the flop and I'm up against AQ and 22. AQ wins.

Guy raises, shorty goes all in with an amount that precludes any further action if I call (meaning the first guy can't reraise), I call with 55, the other guy calls. We dutifully check it down. Shorty wins with AJ, other guy has something less than mine.

During a break there's a proposal to just divide up the $86k prize pool 21 ways, even chop. It's 3AM and the last hour had been excruciating. Surprisingly, only one guy objects (and he didn't even have that big of a stack), I expected a whole bunch of people to. It would have been 5th place money and I had an average stack, so being that I'm not a complete fucking retard I wanted to make the deal.

My final undoing went like this, right after the break. We bust the 21st player, so its pure bubble now. I raise the tightest player's BB with KTo, for some reason he flat calls (I expected a push or fold). Flop comes down ten-high with two hearts. He open pushes, I call of course, and he has . As if it's any kind of surprise, a heart shows up on the turn.

Guy at the next table helpfully notes to me that he's seen me get snapped off at every step.

Now I've got about 4500 with the blinds at 600/1200/200. It's not an auto-call if I push but it's close. First chance I get to open-push I have AJo. Pretty damn good hand for the situation since I was going to push with any two. Naturally the BB has AK and it's goodnight from the bubble. I pulled a Harmon on the way out, knocking over one of his stacks for waking up with AK.

I've bubbled many times before but this one really stung considering how well I had been doing before getting completely cold-decked for an hour or so. I expected to win this tourney, and I've won enough tourneys at this point to know when I can rightfully expect to win one and when it ain't in the cards.

I much prefer busting on hand #4 over going 8 hours and busting on the bubble.

Afight broke out at the Bike last night. I had never seen an actual fight in a cardroom. It was awesome.

And I lit myself on fire after my KK ran into AA and cost me $1000.

It's official - I'm running bad. Yay!

Last night I had the fun time of getting my AA cracked early in the session for about $800, then spending the rest of the night digging out. And I did.

Today I get my AA cracked on the very first hand at the table for about $400, not too bad a deal and a couple hours later I get out even for my afternoon session.

I go back after dinner and am up a few hundred, doing fine, before I make the Worst Seat Change Ever. I've got about $2500, get 98o, I limp and the guy to my left raises to $60, it gets called twice before it gets back to me and I call. Flop comes down J98. Original raiser has JJ and only about $1100. Guess how this one ends.

Then that guy gets QQ and flops top set again and busts another dude. He's sitting in the seat I almost took.

I then get KK UTG, raise it to $50 and get reraised to $200. I call, flop is 9-high, and I don't really need to finish this story, do I? My KK, his AA, and if that sounds familiar it's because the exact same thing happened to me last weekend and roughly 4827519 times before that. How am I the magnet for the exponentially bad coolers?

So for those counting at home, that's a 1 hour session with one seat change and negative $1900 or so. I won $100 betting on Cleveland when the 11th inning started. I felt pretty good when they went on to score 7 runs. I thought it was my night. I'm going to light myself on fire now.

And why did I change seats in the first place? Because the guy next to me was spreading his elbows out too wide.

Anatomy of a Losing Session vol. 386:

1. Very early on, have 87 in LP and see a flop of K74 with two diamonds. 5 people in, nobody bets, so I bet a bit under the pot. SB calls, everyone else folds. Turn is another 7. SB checks, I bet the pot, SB calls. River is a black 10. Diamonds did not come in, nor did any straight. $500 in the pot and SB bets out $500. WTF am I supposed to think here? Nothing makes sense. He seems to be trying to tell me he missed but I'm not sure he actually did. I make the crying call and he turns over 44. Well played, donkey.

He of course then starts blabbering in whatever gibberish language he's speaking that he put me on a king and thats why he bet out because he knew I'd call (I probably wouldn't) and if he thought I had a 7 he would've gone all in on the turn and blah blah blah. I wish I did have a king there, I would have saved at least $500. He continues to blather on for about 5 more minutes.

2. Here's a fun one though. LP I see a flop with . Flop comes down . Couple of guys check, and guy to my right bets pot ($40). I raise it to $140, knowing the guy to my right pretty well. Red flag pops up in one of the earlier checkers, a loose player who calls my $140. Guy to my right folds. So now I'm fairly sure my clubs are dead at least and there's a chance he's got a monster. C'mon 6!

Turn is a brick and he checks, I check behind fearing a checkraise and glad for the free card. River is another brick. I'm thinking about what I'll do if he checks and I'll have to bet something, probably about $250. Getting a tad queasy thinking about it knowing he'd call me with a king. He looks like he's going to bet out, which also makes me queasy since part of my range on him would be a now-busted flush draw. Instead, he does what players in my dreams do- mucks his hand. I proudly turn over my 5-high FTW and he tells me we were chopping.

3. 62s OTB. I play it simply because the guy next to me is going on and on about winning with 62, so I want to win with 62. That kind of thinking should be illegal. I limp, it gets raised out of the blinds and everyone calls, so I call. $300 in the pot.

Flop is something like . It checks to me (of course) and I take a stab for $200. One guy calls. Great, he may or may not be drawing and I'm now playing a huge pot with 2nd pair, no kicker.

Turn is a hideous . It goes check/check. River is , none of the draws come in. He bets out $250. Yes, I could have folded here. Yes, I probably should have folded here. But I knew the player was capable of bluffing here and I was getting like 4:1. I didn't think he would bet out if he missed his draw but hit the ten. So I make a grown-up call and he turns over J2. Fantastic.

4. Much later, angry maniac is at the table playing every hand, calling down the hugest rock in the universe with TP, flinging his cards, etc. Pretty standard pissed-off Vietnamese guy in a trucker hat, they grow on trees out here. He's down to less than $400. He comes in UTG for $30, I'm next with AQ. If I call the $30 we'll see the flop 17 ways. I reraise to $150 to isolate, knowing he'll likely push. It folds back to him and he does, so I call. He doesn't show his hand, but I turn mine over when the flop comes down QJ8. Turn is a king which I assume is bad. After the river, he (and he's standing up now) slams his 88 down on the table and actually says "FUCK YOU!" to me.

Um, you won (and he knew he won). And you're saying "fuck you" to me? AFTER YOU DOUBLED THROUGH ME? I can hardly believe it, I ask him "did you just say fuck you to me?" He says yes. I call for the floorman, I want this douche out on the curb. He starts backpedaling, saying he didn't say it to me, it was more of a general "fuck you" to the cards and to life. Which is bullshit, because he said it to me. It did occur to me though that this donkey just doubled up and will give it back, so I agree that it was just a misunderstanding and life goes on.

Here's how karma gets you though. He ends up all in a few minutes later on an all-club queen-high flop, the guy who called his all in has . Turn is a deuce (which pairs the board), river is another deuce. Angry Charlie turns over a king-high flush, thinking he won. NOPE. Now go home and kick your dog or something.

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In general, this session was punctuated by a few decent size losses like the above ones but no big wins to match, therefore its a -$2500 session. I flopped a set twice- first time with 66 on a flop (with an 8 on the turn just for good luck), second time with QQ on an all-heart flop. You know, just the kinds of flops where you're going to either make a small amount of money or get slaughtered. I at least won both hands. I had to fold KK twice after the flop to heavy artillery. I had a huge hand on the river once and a guy bet $250 into me, I say "raise" and he insta-mucks. It was that kind of night, it's been that kind of month. And a guy said fuck you to me after he beat me. *Sigh*.

Ah I see. Carry on.

Poker is fun again. Yay!

Friday- about a $2200 winning session. Here's a couple of fun ones:

- 77 in MP. It's a NIHAN to have here since table discussion is currently about some other guy's 77. Always like when that happens. Limp in with everyone else. Flop comes down A74 rainbow. Checks to me, I'm second-to-last position and bet $50. Called by the button. There's yer ace. Turn is a 3, I develop a slight phobia of 65, but bet $125 into the $170 pot. He calls. River is a brick, I bet $250 and he pays me off. TY.

- a few hands later I've got KK and raise it to $40. 3 callers, including the guy from before. He will yet again be my pigeon. Flop is junkety and I bet out $125. He calls. Turn is a king, and I decide I'm going to play the hand exactly the same way I played my last set, only a few hands prior. I bet out $250, and he asks me if I have a set again. I reply "yes, I do." He calls. River is a brick, I bet out $400, he pays me off again. Jamie Gold was onto something when he just kept telling people the truth.

So that was a helluva night.

Saturday- get to the Bike around 4:15 and am 5th on the list for the only 5/10 table going, so I play 5/5 (with the $300-$500 buyin) instead. Spent two hours here waiting for a new 5/10 game to start, and made over $800. Shoulda just stayed here. I hadn't played this game for awhile and had forgotten just how bad some of the play is.

- regular there who always always ALWAYS stacks off is about to do the same for my benefit. He comes in for $40 (yep, people do that), I reraise from the button with KK to $140. He's only got about $300 to start the hand with so I'm ready for him to push or fold. He flat calls, of course. Flop is king-high, all clubs. I know he'll insta-push since that's what he does, so I insta-call. He blanks out with his . Thanks for calling off half your stack preflop with AJo.

- Limper, raise to $30, and I call with JJ in LP. Limper calls. Flop is T88, two spades. Limper checks, raiser checks, I bet $75. Limper pushes for a whopping $180. Raiser folds. Well I assume I'm fucked unless he's just got a ten or flush draw, but I assume I am indeed fucked. I have to call though, goddamn shortstacks, and sure enough he has the powerhouse hand of 87o. Jack on the turn. SHIP IT. That's karma for playing with the shortstack.

Finally get the new 5/10 table opened up. Was a fun and festive table until this guy shit in the punch bowl:

We're playing 5-handed, the button raises to $30, I call with A9o in the SB, and the BB (he's a regular who may look like Youkilis but he plays like shit) makes it $75. Button calls, I hate myself for calling the $30 because now I have to call the $75. Flop comes down all hearts. I have the . Youk immediately checks his cards after seeing the all-heart flop. I check, he fires out $75. Button folds, I checkraise him to $200 knowing he's weak since he checked his cards for the flush he doesn't have.

Now most people here in Youk's spot would carefully consider their next move, try and put me on a hand, etc. Youk does the opposite. He turns his TT face up, slams it on the table, starts swearing about the injustice of it all, grabs his chips, throws his blue chips into the dealer tray, and storms off, presumably to engage in some kind of road rage incident. I show my semi-bluff to the table and we all have a hearty laugh.

If you have a calculator handy count all the mistakes Youk made in the hand.

Not much else happened. There was this one funny little human moment though later on. We're having a great time (I'm now at the main game), it's a fun table where people are drinking, joking around, just having a good time. A regular there who goes by Doctor BB comments to someone that if it were this jovial all the time, the place would be packed, since this is exactly what people want. Not 60 seconds later, he tells another guy to hurry up and stop screwing around because he's slowing down the game. Awesome.

This is sick and totally shouldn't be allowed:

- 5/10 NL at the Bike. I'm on the button with K9o. It's a straddled pot, and a couple people have limped. I'm feelin' saucy so I raise it up to $120. The straddler is encouraged by his neighbor to call it blind, so he does. Heads up to the flop of 986. He checks, I bet $200 into the $300 or so pot, he calls (and he knows what he has now). He makes some comment about how in the hell could I have any piece of that. Turn is a king, he checks again and I bet $400. He checkraises to $900. Hmmm. I do have top two here, but he could have ANYTHING. I can't fold top two though. I call. River is a glorious king, I now hold the mortal nuts. I've got about $1200 left, he has me covered. He snarks "is there any way I can get you off this hand?" He then bets $600, I pooosh, he insta-calls with his 66. Like I said, shouldn't be allowed.

Another beauty, and Why People Play at Commerce vol. 3783648127:

- 10/20 NL at Commerce. I just sat down like 20 minutes ago, new game. 33 in the SB, I call a raise to $100 from the guy on the button. One other caller. Flop comes down something picture-perfect like A83 rainbow. I check, button bets $150, I call, other guy folds. He's either got an ace or he doesn't. Turn is some junk, I bet out now $300, hoping he'll attempt to "push me off my ace." He flat-calls. So much for that plan but at least I prevented him from checking behind. River is the magic 3. Yay quads! There's about $1200 in the pot so rather than be a raging pussy and make some "please pay me" bet, I bet out $1000 and I do it forcefully, in case he's a good enough (but not great enough) player to see that as a weakness tell. He ponders for a while as I sit there like a statue trying not to breathe. He calls and turns over his AT. And no, there was no 10 on the board.

Another note about Commerce and another reason why despite the action I fucking hate the place. I went there for satellites, and as we're getting one started the usual talk about doing a last-longer bet takes place. The floorman overhears and tells us that last-longer bets are no longer allowed. Huh? Why, because Commerce doesn't get their cut? I say "guess we have to wait for the floorman to leave." He gets pissed and says if he hears about anyone making a last-longer bet he'll throw them out, then instructs the dealer to narc on us.

There is no good reason for this rule, it's just an example of Commerce trying to tell grown adults what they can and can't do with their money. They offered some BS reasoning that it intimidates newer players. Give me a break. If people want to make a side bet, why the fuck should Commerce care? No other cardroom does. Add it to the list of other stupid Commerce rules (no straddling, can't buy the button, etc.).

So, for the billionth or so time, FUCK COMMERCE.

Field trip to Cache Creek, outside Excremento.

What a fucked up poker room this is. 26 tables, nice looking room, get there and stand in line at the desk. And wait. And wait. One guy is there manning the station and he can't call names and add names at approximately the same time. I finally put my name on the $100-$200 NL list and the interest list for $200-$500. I'm about 438th on the $100-$200 list and deep down the interest list.

Interest list for a lousy $200-$500 game? More on that later.

FInd out there's a $115 tourney starting in half hour so what the fuck I'll play that. Standard low buyin donkfest where there's no poker being played approx. 1 1/2 hours in. I finish somewhere in the middle of the pack after a mandatory push with 5 BB's left and two limpers. Second limper had QQ. Well played, that's quite an elaborate trap you set up for me there lady. Not sure if she knew what two cards she had, or if they were just "pretty."

It's too bad too, as this tourney was so encouraging to begin with after I got called all-in by bottom pair (I had AA) and called on the river by queen-high.

Speaking of cards, this is one of those cardrooms that uses those giant-face cards that were used in the first part of the WSOP this year, before the riots. Surplus must have gone to Cache Creek. Hope they got a discount.

So I go back to the Bataan Death March to the Front Desk to get back on the lists. They've started the $200-$500 NL games, and it takes me about half an hour to get a seat. I sit down and buy in for $500. I notice the BB putting out $10. WTF? This is a 5/10 game? Are they out of their freaking minds? I clarify with my neighbor that it is indeed a 5/10 game and the $100-$200 is a 2/4.

Allow me to get this straight. I've played in A LOT of cardrooms between LA, Vegas, San Diego, etc. and a $200-$500 buyin UNIVERSALLY means that the blinds will be 2/5, 3/5, 5/5 or something else ending in a 5. Not at Cache Creek, where one can buy into a 5/10 game with 20 BB's or a max of 50. I expect idiocy at this table. I am not disappointed.

There's also a $6 drop, even without a flop. Gotta love those Northern Cal prices.

Start getting hit in the face with cards (which hurts considering how big they are. ha!). People are really bad at poker. Just stuff like a flop being K53, nobody bets for two rounds so I bet at it and pick it up. No defense here, no deception. I do get all-in preflop with a shortstack (imagine that, a shortstack at this table) with JJ against his 66, naturally the 6 flops and Raider fan thinks he's good at poker now.

It's a hilarious table in other ways. The biggest stack on the table is $900, which is less than half of what I buy in for when I play 5/10 in LA or Vegas. There are at least 3 guys wearing sunglasses. The "big" stack is giving strategy lessons all over the place. He's the local pro on the public par-3 golf course. Other people are acting about the same. It's like a bunch of career minor leaguers talking about how it is in the big leagues. All I can do is bite my tongue and take their money.

Unfortunately, I was with my parents and they had their fill of donking off money into the nickel slots, so I had to cut my session short. I was there for less than an hour. Made a couple hundred bucks picking up small pots, really wanted to stay longer.

And on the way back to the Bay Area I am fairly sure the teenage girl working at Burger King in Vacaville would've let me have it my way.