Pilot - repair crew communication

[RedBarracuda]

P (pilot), C(repair crew)

P: Something loose in cockpit.
C: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.
C: Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.

P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
C: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.
C: Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
C: Cat installed

P: Target radar hums.
C: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]
C: Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.

P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
C: Wound clock.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
C: Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
C: Pilot removed from aircraft.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
C: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
C:Suspect you are right.

P: IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]
C:IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.

P: Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.
C: Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.

P: No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]
C: Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.

P: Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
C: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
C: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.
C: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
C: Evidence removed.

P: Three roaches in cabin.
C: One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.

P: DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]
C: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
C: No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
C: That's what they are for.

[Marm]

[RedBarracuda]

[Rhound50]

This was the first time I read it too.

[Marm]