So a child molester and a kid were walking through the forest. Its getting dark out.

The child huddles closer and says "I'm scared of the dark" in a whimpering voice.

The child molester leans down "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone."

So this young guy is going round to his girlfriend's one night. He's a virgin and so he goes to the drugstore on the way to get some condoms.

This is going to be the night he says. Walks right up to the counter and says to the guy, i want some condoms please. How many would you like, says the counter guy, we do them individually and in packs of ten. Well, says the guy, i'm sleeping at my girlfriends tonight for the first time and I'm gonna f*** that bitch's brains out all damn night, so you better give me a pack of ten. He pays and leaves.

So, he's round at the girlfriends about an hour later. Her parents are there, and they sit down to dinner. Her mum says, so dear would you like to say grace. He says yep, that's OK. So he puts his hands together and shuts his eyes and prays.

Time passes. He's still there praying.

Another five minutes later, he's still not stopped praying, not saying anything.

His girlfriend leans over to him and whispers, "Jeez John, I never knew you were this religious..."

He opens one eye and says "Well jeez Carolyn you never told me your dad worked in a f***ing drugstore..."

Two nuns in a bath.

First one says "Wheres the soap?"

Second one says "Yes it does rather, doesn't it"

Man walks into a bar. He's carrying a cat and has an greyhound behind him on a lead.

He walks up to the barman and says "Pint of beer please, and whatever they're having"

"RRRRUFFFF" says the greyhound.

"I'll have a glass of wine" says the cat "But i'm not f**ing paying!"

So the barman gets the drinks. "How'd u end up with the cat and the greyhound?" He asks.

"Well," says the man "I rubbed a magic lamp which contained a genie with a sense of humour"

"Oh yeah?"

"He granted me two wishes and I asked for a long-legged bitch with a tight pussy"

doesn't surprise me that monk has the most corny jokes.

Come on brian, this is comedy gold!

Your avatar has always amused me for some reason. I thought about stealing it and using it too but I couldn't find the exact same image anywhere.

This one got me slapped by my wife:

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, we let the bitch cook in the dark.


for the few women who read these posts:

Why does it take 10 million sperm to impregnate one egg?

They won't stop and ask for directions.

I have a whole bunch of "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes

They all begin:
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs:
hanging on the wall? ART
in a pile of leaves? rustle
in front of your door? matt

What do you call 2 guys whith no arms and no legs:
hanging on the wall? curt and rod

How many Freudians does it take to change a light-bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, one to hold the penis. Shit, I MEANT LADDER!

-TW

I have an AWESOME gay joke. But I don't wanna hurt Monk's feelings, so I'll just tell another lame-ass non-gay-joke or two.

I come from Ashland, a small rural town in the disgusting state of Pennsylvania. We have a lot of history, though; in fact, the toothbrush was invented in Ashland! Anywhere else, they woulda called it the teethbrush.

Hey, what has 80 legs and one set of teeth? The funnel-cake line at the Ashland town fair.

We used to live in another small town called Collegeville. But then my dad read in the newspaper that 80% of traffic accidents happen with 10 miles of home, so we had to move.

It rained here twice last week. Once for three days, and then again for four.

My uncle Johnny, well, he passed away just this past Tuesday; drowned himself in a barrel of whiskey. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

-TW

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

......................

...

Bah-dum, CSSSSHHHH!

Two atoms are walkin down the street, and the first atom says, "Shit, I lost an electron!" The second says, "Are you sure," and the first says, "I'm positive!"

Get it? POSITIVE!

I think TW is gonna blow a fuse if it hasn't already. This thread is too much for him to handle.